More from Ben

When you are fat, you walk into a room and you think that everyone is looking at you and is disgusted. I realize now, that that is not the case. But when you’re living it, you believe it.

Before January, when I woke up each morning, I would avoid looking at myself while I brushed my teeth. When I walked by windows, I would turn away because I didn’t want to see my own face. I kept my head down in retail stores because I would get sad if I saw my reflection in one of the many mirrors.
But now, that’s not the case. I’m getting comfortable. And it’s not a good sensation.
You see, now I don’t get angry or depressed when I see myself. I gladly take pictures that show my entire body (rather than just from the chest up). I don’t mind mirrors (in fact, I seek them out, heh.) And this, this is dangerous territory. Because this sensation is not new to me. It’s actually something that has haunted me.
I’ve been here before.
Something I haven’t really talked about on this blog is my history of weight loss. Most people that struggle with their weight have stories of failed attempts. I’m not an exception, and mine is extensive.
Here’s the rundown:
March-July 2003: 303 pounds to 235 pounds
Jan-March 2005: 315 pounds to 260 pounds
Feb-July 2007: 339 pounds to 270 pounds
It’s a situation where I get content. I’m satisfied with the way I look and my attitude shifts. I feel entitled. I deserve the pizza. I deserve to not work out. It’s like I crossed the finish line. And then I’m done. The sensation is coming back. And it’s strong.
I’m beyond scared.
I’m scared because I’m indulging myself. It’s summer, everything’s relaxed, I’m hanging out with friends… It’s hard to stay on track. Things haven’t been going as smoothly as I want them to. I’m getting French fries when I should get the steamed veggies. I’m grabbing pizza slices with a glass of soda when I’m not even hungry. I’m foregoing the turkey on wheat from Subway and opting for the tots and chicken strips from Sonic. I’ve been down this road before. It’s a scary road.
I can’t go back to where I was.
I feel like I’m strong enough and smart enough to figure this thing out. To straighten the ship.
I really hope I’m right.

It is the second time that I’ve gone a full day without posting. And I’m not sure, but my posting might slow down for a while. I’ve come to realize that the more time I’m on the Internet, the sadder I feel, in general. I’m going to start trying to fill my hours with productive things and actively trying to strengthen relationships. Rather than texting Jed about the Red Sox game, maybe I’ll watch one with him. Instead of communicating with my friends through e-mail and walls-to-wall, maybe we’ll go see a movie. Mom? Maybe I’ll start answering her phone calls. Who knows… It’s in the hypothetical stages as of now. We’ll see how it goes.

The hardest part is getting into it. You have to tell yourself that you enjoy it at first. Make yourself believe it, even if you don’t. Also, tell people about it. Tell friends, family, co-workers, etc. You’ll be more likely to keep with it if people know. Actually, I think I wrote about this a few months ago… one sec, let me look for the post…
Found it. It’s a little more eloquent.
The hardest part
Is starting.
And it’s not just about weight loss. I’m talking any form of getting your life together. All aspects.
But here’s what worked for me.
Think about four months ago. Think about where you were. What were you doing? Now think about how cool it would be if the four-months-ago version of yourself decided to start at that moment. Think about where you would be now. Four months of diet and exercise. Four months without a cigarette. Four months of doing life. A lot can improve in four months.
Think about how fast the past four months have flown by. These next four are going to go just as fast. Why not start right now?
All it comes down to is doing it. If you want to do it, just do it, Nike style. You’ll thank yourself.

I was never a runner.  But now I have to legit force myself to stay inside and let my legs have the day off. All I want is to go running.

 

It’s very hard in the beginning to understand that the whole idea is not to beat the other runners. Eventually you learn that the competition is against the little voice inside you that wants you to quit.

George Sheehan. I don’t believe in inspirational quotes, but that doesn’t mean I can’t share them.