Sunday, March 31, 2013

Tough Winter

I've been meaning to write for so long.  Month or more.  It's been a tough winter.  Sad, frustrating, stressful.  I believe I may be depressed, like clinically depressed.  Seem to be focusing on disappointments and frustrations and stress, rather on the meaningful blessings that are there also.

I'm gaining weight.  Up 20lb from my 100lb loss a year ago.  I haven't been at all careful (or minimally so) with my eating, and I haven't been exercising.  I could exercise more.  The shoulder surgery hasn't stopped me from walking, or bicycling, or modifying workout tapes.  I just haven't been doing it.  I'm depressed to be losing my condition, to feel my waist and my thighs and my boobs and my chin expanding.  To know my clothes aren't fitting.  My exercise bra isn't loose anymore.  I can't breathe well bent-over.  My pulse and blood pressure are up.  It's a sad downward spiral.  The sadder I get, the less motivation to change I can muster.  I feel jealousy toward people like my cousin Katherine Rose, who's lost over 100lb and looks GREAT.  And this blogger I'm following, Roni Noone.  They're pretty, and successful and look great.  And that's not me anymore.  I look at Ben Davis, who's gained a bunch of his 120lbs back (probably 50%) and I feel embarrassed for him, piteous, like I'm better than him.  He's pretending it's not happening in full view of everyone who watches, and it's really obvious he is backsliding.  Shoulder recovery will prevent me from using the shoulder til probably 6mo post-op.  Mentally this makes me feel sluggish.

I made a whole list of ways I'd felt disappointed, because I seem to dwell on these thoughts.  I don't let those things go easily or gracefully.  I have struggled with this for years, and while I have prayed about it, I have not really turned it over to God.  I seem to have a problem with the need for acknowledgement, appreciation, and for the lack of forgiveness when I feel hurt by people.  I'd be happy for this NOT to be my problem anymore.  Although my wisdom is not vast enough to know how this will work out, I trust God and have faith in HIS powers enough to know HE will work this out.  Keep trusting God, praying for His guidance, for the balm of His love to cover my hurts even if they are invisible hurts --> hurt feelings.  I pray for the wisdom also to know when it's the right thing to do, to COMMUNICATE to the person you believed hurt you.  We are very adept at hurting each other, sometimes without knowing it, or knowing the depths (and sometimes without caring). 

Here are my hurts.  I know they ARE turned over to God.  Whatever He wants to do with them, He can take it from here. 
  1. My sister Laurie and I are estranged, since 9/10/01, and I am unwilling to let her be a part of my life.
  2. Kathy Johnson and Sherry Tice hurt me in May 2009 when I asked for time off to take a vacation and they reacted as if I was not entitled to the time off.
  3. Millie Sackett's rude insensitive conduct at church Sept. 2012, with regard to mom and my donation for the roof project. I chose to separate myself from AHUMC after that.
  4. Sarah Biernat never acknowledged my baby gift until I asked her if she'd received it, 4 months later, then she casually remarked she'd received it and used it (gift certificate).  Didn't really thank me for it, and never wrote a proper thank you note.
  5. The Boot camp group was not in touch with me after my shoulder surgery.  Deb Snyder independently reached out to me repeatedly, for which I am grateful.  I clearly expected more during my time of need.
  6. Then I got in a sparring match with Jeremy, because I assumed his motives for reaching out to me 4 months later were because he valued me as a commodity not as a person.  I vented my spleen, he accused me of not forgiving (bingo), he apologized, I apologized, I just wanted him to know it hurt and that I expected more.
  7. Judy says I make too big a deal over my surgeries, even rolling her eyes and mocking me when I showed her some of my shoulder progress.  She feels I am not capable of handling that this is how I come across.
  8. Becky has not kept in touch with me, not really much since her daughter Samantha's graduation party in June.  When she's unhappy, she usually falls off the radar.  Hard to say, since she's not in touch.
On more positive note, my shoulder recovery is coming very well!  Dr. Grimm and my therapists say I am ahead of what they expected.  Still slow, but... It is what it is!  My mom is happy and content.  We got thru the first year of Dad's passing.  She is in FL with Molly.  She is enjoying the place she bought, getting her own touches on it.  Melanie has been very supportive, a very good friend.  I am re-committing to weighing myself and cleaning up my diet.  I started eating paleo, and have done nothing but gain weight.  I haven't finished the book, and haven't been exercising.  More later.