I Hate People

One consistent theme in my life, one of my earliest philosophical thoughts, is I Hate People! I acknowledge that's a little sad; it's unfortunate I couldn't have been better socially-adjusted. I was painfully shy as a child, and I prefer to be by myself now. I hate being in traffic. I love living by myself. I love not having neighbors. I have a very wide personal space. I don't get people who don't get me. I am not charmed by most children (that is an attempt at a polite way to say I dislike most children). I am very defensive of my time and space. I like a big sprawling expanse to spread out in. It's likely a mark of immaturity (one of many I'm sure).

I have compassion for people as fellow human beings until they make my life or some aspect of it unhappy. Then I want them OUT of my life because:

• You cannot change people.
• People don't want to change, nor should they have to... just get away from ME.
• I do not need or want other people's misery or conflict. Have enough dealing with my own.

Why am I impatient with people? Can patience be learned? Is patience fluid?

Lately, for a very competent person, I seem to be so anxious, nervous, worried, dwelling on negatives, overwhelmed by tasks, impatient, arrogant even. Is it a case of good, old-fashioned burn-out? Will things get better? When WON'T there be conflict? Staff conflict, client conflict, family conflict. Is the fact that I am conflict-fearful the reason WHY I DWELL on conflict?? Where's my perspective? My life is exactly what I picked; why can't I be happy? It's easy to be cheerful and happy when everything's going great. Throw in a few challenges and I crumble??

I find people frustrating and want to isolate myself from them because I have lost touch with or given up on how to maneuver around them to my satisfaction. That's about me feeling like I need to be in control, or realizing I'm not. I want to AVOID problems, but what may be more effective (and less fearful) is to learn to WELCOME problems, conflicts, annoying people and situations, because I have learned methods, constructive humane Godly ways of dealing effectively with them.

There once was a time when I could get along with many people. I was a floater in HS. I did OK in the weird rabid-horseperson environment at Coby. I can communicate with horses and sometimes children, engage them, get them excited and enthusiastic about learning and cooperating. So it's not like I'm NOT capable of working around difficult people. People get comfortable with me. I can often bring out better behavior in difficult people, and don't bring out difficult behavior in people prone to it.

I want to be the kind of person who is slow to rile, but who people would recognize that they would not want to. I want to be the kind of person who inherently compels people to respect them.

Goal: Think of all the situations that I find frustrating and threatening, anxiety-producing -- staff, clients, family -- and realize there ARE ways to deal effectively with them and the conflict they bring to you. Ways that don't harm me, them, my psyche, that make me invest so much of myself and my emotions in a futile "figure-it-out!" merry-go-round game.

Perhaps the reason I keep coming back to anxiety, worry, angst, fretful thoughts, burnout, chest pressure, head exploding, ringing in my ears, is because I don't turn to God enough (with problems or with appreciation). Therefore maybe He has to keep on challenging me so eventually out of hurt and fear and desperation I will turn to Him! Maybe just get Him in your thoughts BEFORE all the angst. Worth a try!

An elderly man I know NEVER complains. He has lived a humble but meaningful life. It doesn't seem he's enjoyed a lot of material abundance. But he consistently has a cheerful, humorous word for others and while a little weary, seems unfailingly optimistic. He is a lovely man and a wonderful example.

The list of tasks to do will NEVER be done. Never. Til you're in your grave. Be wise enough to take full enjoyment from this world around you and the people in it. Consistently model your behavior after someone your parents admire or would be proud of. I have many, many blessings and it's time I started re-appreciating them!