A cool milestone!

Yesterday I fit into a pair of real jeans, from the regular-sized department!

Since we tend not to be as kind to ourselves as we would a friend, I'd like to share this "Woo-Hoo!" moment, because it's something I would celebrate if it were anyone else.  This journey has been long, and mostly under the radar (slow and steady, that's my pace and race!).  Nothing spectacular or flashy. 

People don't RECOGNIZE me!!

Thursday this week, I got to witness the effect weight loss has on others.  I haven't seen David Perry in some time; maybe a year or close to it.  He hadn't seen my new knee, so it's probably been since last year.  When I entered the waiting room to greet him, I saw his face change, saw the expressions on his face go from the eye contact of acknowledgement but non-recognition, to recognition, to disbelief.  I actually watched him go from polite, "Hi, how are you (new person)" to, "WOW! That's really YOU?? It's hard to believe that's really you!"  That was awesome!  Then he said I looked not just awesome but freaking awesome!  hahaha!  That was great too, being appreciated for my LOOKS!  (I'd insert a smiley if I knew how to) ;-)

I have meant to write this for awhile now; I get complements nearly every day on my weight loss.  Apparently it is noticeable, even though I fail to notice it!  That's not the same as not appreciating it; I am just used to my own face and shape.  GLAD it is different!

Off Grid

This weekend I've been totally "off grid."  No calorie counting, no careful calculating, no eating the meal plan.  Seems when you don't have to record your intake because no one is going to be looking at it, the accountability fear goes down and you loosen up.  As far as world issues this one is small.  I ate pizza (WM Supreme, small, eaten over 2 meals), and a family-sized bag of Cheetos (ummm, soooo gooood!).  This morning I am eating two WHOLE EGGS, no egg portions (white plus a whole egg is my usual).  Guess that's really about it.  Oh, and I haven't weighed myself since Friday morning, when I was still at 80lb lost!  YAY!  It's that week between BC months when you don't really "have" to log food, and that weekend before the start of the new month, that feels more permissive.  Of course the analytical part of my brain wants to know if that's OK, is that bad, is this one step down the road to defeat.  No, it's not.  It's just still too bad when indulgence takes the form of overeating, that's all.

All-Time New Favorite Blog: Pa Does Life  This guy's funny, articulate, grammatically correct, not to mention rock-star handsome.  Ben's dad.  There were so many things I could have re-posted.  As an aside, Ben really should tighten up on his eating habits.  The urge to eat anything you want that tastes good is what gets us in trouble.  This from the chick who plowed through a whole bag of Cheetos in 2 days.  But, that sick feeling afterward, it wasn't fun.  And I regretted it, every single time I went back for more.

Finished up another month of Boot Camp.  While the numbers aren't Oh WOW! spectacular, I'm still at it and I'm not re-gaining.  As long as I can find the $$$ to keep going I will, because I am always increasing my fitness and strength, and toning up every day.  I get complements every single day about the noticeable weight loss, and that I look GREAT!  THAT is a reinforcement there.  I think I'm becoming an obesity snob, because I notice when others have gained weight, and I silently shake my head in sympathy while tsk-tsk-ing the fact that they are heavy.  I think the only reason I would even do such a thing is because I have been there and I have come back, so I know it can be done.  And I am one of those folks who has the least confidence in themselves to accomplish something (then give themselves the least amount of credit when it's accomplished, like getting thru vet school!).

Good article on "Control..."

control-freak article

I haven't written in almost a month.  I went thru a period of depression after I was not successful at the Summer Challenge.  I felt like I was a sure thing, and apparently not.  It felt almost embarrassing to have put myself all out there and shared some deep personal stuff only to be rejected.  And truthfully I felt the vote might have been rigged, because I lost by 9 votes.  Nine votes to a woman who has 50% of my FB friends and is at least 10yrs older than me so how much electronic resources could she have??  So when I lost I had thoughts like, Jeremy and Sarah knew I was their "sure thing;" I was not a newbie who needed to be reeled in for long term.  I had told them over and over that I was coming every month regardless of the Challenge.  SO why not throw the vote so the other gal would stay.  I have no proof of that, just my suspicion.  Maybe my rationalization.  It hurt my outlook.  Made me question their integrity.  Made my enthusiasm ebb.  Jeremy noticed it because he pulled me aside one day and mentioned my weight loss numbers had stalled.  I felt a little angry at him still, but the only thing I explained was, I had won the competition in my head and was disappointed.  I also don't trust their scale.  It hardly ever corresponds with mine.  I don't even look at it their numbers anymore.  It's hard not to feel a little like a failure when the emphasis is on the weight loss numbers.  It makes me fail to appreciate the 75 pounds I've already lost, and that concept is clearly wrong.  My weight does NOT melt off.  The most dramatic weight loss I've ever experienced was due to illness: when I lost 8lb that week in March 2009 when I had severe diarrhea, and the 9lb I lost in the 7-10 days after my surgery.  The rest is a struggle, and it's important for me to NOT overlook how great it's been to lose it and keep it off.  It's not beneficial for me to compare myself to Marianne whose weight loss is consistent and large.  Or Donna who is 1/2 my size and lost more weight than I did this month.  I wish I was wiser and could look at my life more objectively.

Weight loss, as it turns out, is more complicated than calories in < calories out.  It's about all the nutrients, your hormones, your state of rest or exhaustion.  There is an element of the unknown, or the mysterious, the magical, that doesn't make mathematical or metabolic sense.  One can lose weight in spite of caloric excess, and gain weight in the face of a caloric deficit.  Consistently.  It is about being realistic and honest, but it's more than that.  And it's frustrating when the work doesn't appear to pay off.  But it's about more than whining too...... My big strong muscles weigh more than my flabby fat.  I am much fitter now than I have been in years.  That's important too.

The Guilt of Saying No

OK Dad just called, invited me to their house for dinner.  Steak and shrimp cocktail.  I DECLINED!  And yes, I "feel" guilty and stressed.  But what would I have felt like if I allowed that guilt to persuade me to go even though I don't want to for nutrition reasons?  I had 5 extravagant meals this week (birthday with friends and family, CE meeting, BAH Party), and although I exercised regularly, I am UP on the scale.  So for ME I can't keep eating like that even though...

• it's a holiday and
  
• my folks invited me.

I'm not Italian, I'm not Jewish, I'm not Catholic, but I guess I was raised that that was family bonding behavior and there's a certain amount of GUILT associated with not conforming.  Since I've confronted my own obesity, I am forced to rethink it.  Maybe my parents are scared that we won't have anything to bond us, if we aren't belly-up to the table.  I mean, we're not smoking pot together.  We don't drink together, not like some hillbilly family from the back-woods huddled around a keg of beer or a bottle of whiskey, which is also behavior that's no good for you.  We just eat too darn much when we get together, have done so for years (oh, 46yrs that I am aware of) and today I had the courage to say no.  It's stressful!!!!

I guess I'll find out how supportive of ME they are even though I declined their dinner invite.  Isn't it pathetic that I think they'll be mad at me because I didn't want to eat their food?  Weird family dynamics.  I probably need to see a shrink. 

I could, just maybe, be over-analyzing... or something good might come of it, like they realize people related to them have had to re-prioritize, and this IS the new me.  And maybe they look at their own situation!  (Or, they've stopped thinking about it the moment the phone hung up!!!)