Sunday, July 31, 2011

I haven't written in almost a month.  I went thru a period of depression after I was not successful at the Summer Challenge.  I felt like I was a sure thing, and apparently not.  It felt almost embarrassing to have put myself all out there and shared some deep personal stuff only to be rejected.  And truthfully I felt the vote might have been rigged, because I lost by 9 votes.  Nine votes to a woman who has 50% of my FB friends and is at least 10yrs older than me so how much electronic resources could she have??  So when I lost I had thoughts like, Jeremy and Sarah knew I was their "sure thing;" I was not a newbie who needed to be reeled in for long term.  I had told them over and over that I was coming every month regardless of the Challenge.  SO why not throw the vote so the other gal would stay.  I have no proof of that, just my suspicion.  Maybe my rationalization.  It hurt my outlook.  Made me question their integrity.  Made my enthusiasm ebb.  Jeremy noticed it because he pulled me aside one day and mentioned my weight loss numbers had stalled.  I felt a little angry at him still, but the only thing I explained was, I had won the competition in my head and was disappointed.  I also don't trust their scale.  It hardly ever corresponds with mine.  I don't even look at it their numbers anymore.  It's hard not to feel a little like a failure when the emphasis is on the weight loss numbers.  It makes me fail to appreciate the 75 pounds I've already lost, and that concept is clearly wrong.  My weight does NOT melt off.  The most dramatic weight loss I've ever experienced was due to illness: when I lost 8lb that week in March 2009 when I had severe diarrhea, and the 9lb I lost in the 7-10 days after my surgery.  The rest is a struggle, and it's important for me to NOT overlook how great it's been to lose it and keep it off.  It's not beneficial for me to compare myself to Marianne whose weight loss is consistent and large.  Or Donna who is 1/2 my size and lost more weight than I did this month.  I wish I was wiser and could look at my life more objectively.

Weight loss, as it turns out, is more complicated than calories in < calories out.  It's about all the nutrients, your hormones, your state of rest or exhaustion.  There is an element of the unknown, or the mysterious, the magical, that doesn't make mathematical or metabolic sense.  One can lose weight in spite of caloric excess, and gain weight in the face of a caloric deficit.  Consistently.  It is about being realistic and honest, but it's more than that.  And it's frustrating when the work doesn't appear to pay off.  But it's about more than whining too...... My big strong muscles weigh more than my flabby fat.  I am much fitter now than I have been in years.  That's important too.

Monday, July 4, 2011

The Guilt of Saying No

OK Dad just called, invited me to their house for dinner.  Steak and shrimp cocktail.  I DECLINED!  And yes, I "feel" guilty and stressed.  But what would I have felt like if I allowed that guilt to persuade me to go even though I don't want to for nutrition reasons?  I had 5 extravagant meals this week (birthday with friends and family, CE meeting, BAH Party), and although I exercised regularly, I am UP on the scale.  So for ME I can't keep eating like that even though...
  • it's a holiday and
  • my folks invited me.
I'm not Italian, I'm not Jewish, I'm not Catholic, but I guess I was raised that that was family bonding behavior and there's a certain amount of GUILT associated with not conforming.  Since I've confronted my own obesity, I am forced to rethink it.  Maybe my parents are scared that we won't have anything to bond us, if we aren't belly-up to the table.  I mean, we're not smoking pot together.  We don't drink together, not like some hillbilly family from the back-woods huddled around a keg of beer or a bottle of whiskey, which is also behavior that's no good for you.  We just eat too darn much when we get together, have done so for years (oh, 46yrs that I am aware of) and today I had the courage to say no.  It's stressful!!!!

I guess I'll find out how supportive of ME they are even though I declined their dinner invite.  Isn't it pathetic that I think they'll be mad at me because I didn't want to eat their food?  Weird family dynamics.  I probably need to see a shrink. 

I could, just maybe, be over-analyzing... or something good might come of it, like they realize people related to them have had to re-prioritize, and this IS the new me.  And maybe they look at their own situation!  (Or, they've stopped thinking about it the moment the phone hung up!!!)