As I sit here on the four year anniversary of the wreck, my mind reflects on where the time has gone so quickly yet so slowly. I must ask myself how have I spent this time? How have I changed? How have I grown?
I found a list of “goals” I made on Caleb’s birthday last year, September 25, 2009. The list included physical, emotional, and spiritual wants and needs. The list showed me that balance in life is paramount to true living. It also shows that my quest for the whole me has been going on pretty much since the wreck. The difference is my understanding those ideas in a much deeper way. You can hear life truths at different stages of your life, but until you assimilate them into your consciousness, they lack true meaning. There is no substitution for experience and reflection.
Physically I wanted to maintain a “happy weight.” I’ve done that. I can still wear my red finale dress, and it looks better now than it did without all the spanx. I’m stronger now because of my wonderful trainer, Marc Danos, having me lift crazy amounts of weight. Now that my stress fracture is completely healed, I’ve been able run sprints at 10mph for a minute. That’s something I longed to do, but was unable because of injury, when I was on the ranch. In the same vein, I’m fully aware that body is not perfect, nor will it ever be, and I continue to be content where I am.... Being fit does not equate to perfection.
I continue to fight the battle of not defining myself by my physical appearance. As I was going through old pictures the other day, I ran across several pictures of Macy and me when she was so very little and I was so very big. It’s hard to imagine that’s how I ‘looked’ at that time. My ‘insides’ were the same.... I loved hard, I had a sense of humor, I looked at the world holistically and in a broad fashion, I found the good in people, I wanted to make a difference, and so fortunately for me, the people in my life saw those qualities and didn’t think less of me just because there was more of me.
Emotionally, just a year ago, I wanted to love myself, for REAL. And while I’m fully aware of my flaws, I can say that I do love who I am today. I’m focusing on the things I have accomplished and continue to accomplish rather than on the things I haven’t.... find it makes for a much more peace existence.
Another goal was to foster healthy female friendships. The people I count among my friends are absolutely amazing. I’m blessed to have friends that have been there for me since before the wreck, friends I’ve made since the wreck, and now friends all around the country I’ve met through speaking. The old adage you have to be a friend to have a friend rings so true. This past year I’ve tried to be the kind of friend I want.
Though I could write a book on the specifics of so many people who have supported, loved, laughed with, and been there for me, today I feel compelled to write about my dear friend, Vicky Vilcan. Vicky has been in my life for the past year and a half, and our friendship has grown so much throughout that time. What started out as two individuals sharing a common experience, has deepened to familial bonds. Vicky is not only loyal beyond measure, a cheerleader for my every accomplishment, a supporter during those times when I fail, and a fantastically fun pedicure/ shopping/ coffee-drinking partner, she sits in the ashes with me. She’s just THERE. I don’t have do or be anything I’m not that day, and it’s perfectly fine with her. She serves as an example of the kind of friend I want to be with others.
Another emotional goal I had for myself was to laugh everyday- heartily. I can say that I do.... most of the time way too loudly, without meaning to... The world’s a funny place, and I’m working on not taking it too seriously. Laughter is good medicine.
Spiritually I wanted to pray without ceasing, point others to the Lord by example, be available and ready to serve, and not press for things to happen but prepare and patiently wait. These things continue to be a work in progress, but for the most part, they stay on the forefront of my mind. The Lord has blessed me beyond measure. In the past year, He has provided me with opportunities that surpassed anything my human mind could conjure. Without any advertising or self-promotion, He has provided the occasion to speak with churches, schools (both teachers and students), grief groups, health and wellness groups, and business communities sharing what He’s done in my life. Also, without any effort on my part, He sent literary agents to allow me to write a book about my precious family, and how His grace is sufficient and made perfect in weakness. He has sustained me in the most hideous of circumstances. As I type these words, I pray they don’t come off in a “churchy” or “pollyiana.” The world’s a gritty, hard place.... grief and heartache are ugly, really ugly at times, but my joy abides despite circumstance.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to sit down and write. All these ‘thoughts’ swirl about in my mind, but I’ve had the hardest time trying to formulate and articulate them into a sensible format. I’m not sure if I’ve succeeded, but they have much more clarity today than in the last few months.
Thank you to all that take the time to read these words, continue to pray for me, and love me from near and far. How I wish I had the time and ability to personally thank each and every person who sends me a kind word of encouragement... Please know that your words serve as fuel to feed my soul in ways you will never know.
