More from Ben

When you are fat, you walk into a room and you think that everyone is looking at you and is disgusted. I realize now, that that is not the case. But when you’re living it, you believe it.

Before January, when I woke up each morning, I would avoid looking at myself while I brushed my teeth. When I walked by windows, I would turn away because I didn’t want to see my own face. I kept my head down in retail stores because I would get sad if I saw my reflection in one of the many mirrors.
But now, that’s not the case. I’m getting comfortable. And it’s not a good sensation.
You see, now I don’t get angry or depressed when I see myself. I gladly take pictures that show my entire body (rather than just from the chest up). I don’t mind mirrors (in fact, I seek them out, heh.) And this, this is dangerous territory. Because this sensation is not new to me. It’s actually something that has haunted me.
I’ve been here before.
Something I haven’t really talked about on this blog is my history of weight loss. Most people that struggle with their weight have stories of failed attempts. I’m not an exception, and mine is extensive.
Here’s the rundown:
March-July 2003: 303 pounds to 235 pounds
Jan-March 2005: 315 pounds to 260 pounds
Feb-July 2007: 339 pounds to 270 pounds
It’s a situation where I get content. I’m satisfied with the way I look and my attitude shifts. I feel entitled. I deserve the pizza. I deserve to not work out. It’s like I crossed the finish line. And then I’m done. The sensation is coming back. And it’s strong.
I’m beyond scared.
I’m scared because I’m indulging myself. It’s summer, everything’s relaxed, I’m hanging out with friends… It’s hard to stay on track. Things haven’t been going as smoothly as I want them to. I’m getting French fries when I should get the steamed veggies. I’m grabbing pizza slices with a glass of soda when I’m not even hungry. I’m foregoing the turkey on wheat from Subway and opting for the tots and chicken strips from Sonic. I’ve been down this road before. It’s a scary road.
I can’t go back to where I was.
I feel like I’m strong enough and smart enough to figure this thing out. To straighten the ship.
I really hope I’m right.

It is the second time that I’ve gone a full day without posting. And I’m not sure, but my posting might slow down for a while. I’ve come to realize that the more time I’m on the Internet, the sadder I feel, in general. I’m going to start trying to fill my hours with productive things and actively trying to strengthen relationships. Rather than texting Jed about the Red Sox game, maybe I’ll watch one with him. Instead of communicating with my friends through e-mail and walls-to-wall, maybe we’ll go see a movie. Mom? Maybe I’ll start answering her phone calls. Who knows… It’s in the hypothetical stages as of now. We’ll see how it goes.

The hardest part is getting into it. You have to tell yourself that you enjoy it at first. Make yourself believe it, even if you don’t. Also, tell people about it. Tell friends, family, co-workers, etc. You’ll be more likely to keep with it if people know. Actually, I think I wrote about this a few months ago… one sec, let me look for the post…
Found it. It’s a little more eloquent.
The hardest part
Is starting.
And it’s not just about weight loss. I’m talking any form of getting your life together. All aspects.
But here’s what worked for me.
Think about four months ago. Think about where you were. What were you doing? Now think about how cool it would be if the four-months-ago version of yourself decided to start at that moment. Think about where you would be now. Four months of diet and exercise. Four months without a cigarette. Four months of doing life. A lot can improve in four months.
Think about how fast the past four months have flown by. These next four are going to go just as fast. Why not start right now?
All it comes down to is doing it. If you want to do it, just do it, Nike style. You’ll thank yourself.

I was never a runner.  But now I have to legit force myself to stay inside and let my legs have the day off. All I want is to go running.

 

It’s very hard in the beginning to understand that the whole idea is not to beat the other runners. Eventually you learn that the competition is against the little voice inside you that wants you to quit.

George Sheehan. I don’t believe in inspirational quotes, but that doesn’t mean I can’t share them.

 

 

Had 2 meals out today and 4 macadamia nut cookies.  Had breakfast at McD's and dinner with the BAH girls at Schooners.  There I had a very healthy entree, of which I only ate the haddock (grilled or baked, not sure; maybe steamed??) with its veggies, not the pasta (brought home for leftovers).  Had a tossed salad with very flavorful Ital. dressing ON THE SIDE!  Could have had the French Onion Soup but... i dod NOT.  Did have carrot cake, but truth, it was a small piece.  Sarah's grandpa died and they are both in Corning for that, so... will be trained by Bo tomorrow.  Feel a little pudgy around the middle.  Need to get some proper rest, that DOESN'T mean in the recliner!!

More from Ben's blog

He's a wise man on a wonderful journey.

I feel so much lighter. Like when I’m getting out of bed, or climbing stairs. Pushups are easier. My legs are thinner. So are my arms. I have to pull my belt tighter for it to perform the same function. People say I’m looking good. My dad calls me a shadow of my former self. Soichiro told me I don’t look like a sumo wrestler anymore. My stomach doesn’t smash into the table when I sit in booths at restaurants. It doesn’t even touch the table. I fit into chairs even if they have arms. I don’t have to stretch shirts before I put them on. I can run 6.7 miles without stopping, and probably more than that. I can see veins in my arms. I’ve always wanted veins in my arms. I smile more than I used to. I laugh a lot more, too.
This is what it’s about.

The hardest part is starting.  And it’s not just about weight loss. I’m talking any form of getting your life together. All aspects. But here’s what worked for me.  Think about four months ago. Think about where you were. What were you doing? Now think about how cool it would be if the four-months-ago version of yourself decided to start at that moment. Think about where you would be now. Four months of diet and exercise. Four months without a cigarette. Four months of doing life. A lot can improve in four months.
Think about how fast the past four months have flown by. These next four are going to go just as fast. Why not start right now?

I’ve had a few people ask me what the hardest part about doing what we’re doing is.  I tell them that there is no hardest part. It’s not hard at all. And it’s true. When you’re doing it, and doing it right, you’re always happy. You want to do it, you’re not forcing yourself. It’s like if someone asked you what the worst part about winning $100 million is… There is no bad part. It’s only good.  It’s not hard for me to want to run. It’s not hard to eat right. Maybe I’m lucky, but it’s not hard to do this. I can’t imagine doing anything else.

There’s always a question about what happens when we get to our goal. Will we all of a sudden be happy? Are we going to see the world in a different light simply because we’re skinny?

It’s all about the journey. We’re becoming better people. It’s not just our health. We are becoming happier, too. Every aspect of our life is enriching because we’re taking control of our lives and allowing ourselves to be happy. Strictly getting to our goals isn’t what is going to make us feel like life is better; we’re going to be happy because we’ve gone through the bad and fought our way to the good. That’s what it’s about.

I had the urge to drive to Taco Bell and order my classic “Number-6, soft tacos, no sour cream, Sierra Mist, order of cinnamon twists.” Instead, I went to the kitchen and ate an orange and some oatmeal.
This is what it’s about.

Tues AM I was feeling pretty good - glad I'd put in the extra workouts (walking w/Leslie before work and 15min in the basement after work), because theoretically that limbered up my stiff muscles.  I consumed a "few" too many macadamia nut cookies after dinner, but dang, sure tasted good!  One after the other they went down, even though I got up out of my chair every time I wanted 2 more...

Tues BC was a great workout - but amazingly easily fatigued!  Really tired all afternoon and I listened to my body and rested when I got home (no additional workouts).  I know I have the biggest silly grin on my face much of the time, because I appreciate the miracle of what I am doing.

I find myself marveling during these workouts at what I am doing... shake my head in amazement.  I consider it a miracle that 5mo ago I couldn't lift my own foot, thru the effects of the mind-boggling surgery I had just undergone.  Today, I can accomplish step exercised at LEAST as fast as I could prior to surgery, now without the pain and sound effects.  Two beautiful pieces of plastic rubbing against each other when my joint moves.

My whole FRONT aches today, from collarbone to pelvis -- all good!

Weight this morning was 258.2, rebounded from the 1kg loss of yesterday.  Cookies.....

I started back at Boot Camp this morning - it feels both GREAT to be back, and wearying!  I am already sore.  We did mild activity, probably 20min.  Squats were at once excellent, and OMG my thighs.  KNEE FEELS GREAT!!  I came home and did Leslie's one-mile walk.  Got to 45min on the BB!  4600 steps so far.  Figured, the bra was only mildly grunged up, let 'er rip.  I will also try to work out several times a day - I think that is what it is going to take to meet my goals.  I weighed in heavier than I've been in awhile, November I guess.  My goals in life and for BC are, regain as much flexibility as I can out of this knee; get another 60lb off; and fit into my Tall Trainer T-shirt that I got after completing my first month back in October.  It's an XL, and while it goes on over my head... it ain't a pretty sight.  Some bodies shouldn't be displayed in skin-tight clothing.  Muffin-top teenagers are one, and I am another.

I am amazed that 5 months ago today I had the surgery, spent most of the first month not even being able to lift my own foot, and now I am jogging in place, doing squats, etc!  YAY! 

I am going to record the weight I get here in the mornings; the scale at TT weighs me a few lbs. heavier and I can't always remember the number.  This morning I am 258.2.  Thursday, Dec. 2 I was 251.6.  I was in the 240's in the hospital after surgery.  My lowest recorded weight was 242.4 on December 17, and that was after I started having regular BMs again, yay!  I first re-hit 250 on Feb. 9, 2011, so that's 2 months keeping the weight off.  I am going to anticipate some contraction initially because the system should pretty much be in shock at the increased activity level (not so back in October - I had been working out to some degree; and I am indeed pretty soft and out of shape right now) and I think the last few days I've been throwing caution to the wind and eating what pleased me, and consuming far too much salt.  Time to tighten back up on the nutrition.  Accountability!  Here I come, Sarah!


I like the style and content of Ben's blog, and might being recording thoughts, weights, milestones here.  I am now looking back to my post-surgical experience with minor regret because I didn't record anything.  All those milestones, struggles, highs, people.

Cool stuff from Ben Does Life

This cute young man is young enough to be my own son.  I'm old enough to be his mother.  I'm only pointing that out because he is REALLY cute.  And inspirational, because he's lost over 120lb and just kind of jumped in and started changing his way of life. 

Couple of tidbits so far from his blog, bendoeslife.com:

• Thought about whether or not I should do a weekly free-day. Decided I should, but a little different than usual. I will not be over indulging. I will stay below 3,000 calories. Every Friday=Free-day.
• Took “before” pictures of myself. I will be taking pictures on the 5th of every month to compare. Front, Back, and Side views.
• Dinner. Baked tilapia with salsa and green beans. 290 calories. (I should get some green beans, have them in the freezer)

The tempting thing to do is just load up on Weight-Loss shakes and yogurt and do this the old fashioned way, but from personal experience, that is not the way to go. Here is the rundown on what I grabbed at the grocery store with the help of Jed. -Tilapia. I hear that fish is a healthy thing to eat and it’s relatively simple to cook.
-Green Beans. Very simple and very tasty.
-High Fiber Cereal. Mini Wheats, I eat 24 individual biscuits with a cup of milk for breakfast.
-Oranges. A staple.
-Peanut butter pretzel health bars. 200 calories and very filling. Perfect for a midday snack.
-Eggs. I go three eggs, one yolk with salsa.
-Turkey. Usually combined with two slices of whole weat bread.
-Health soup cups. New England clam chowder. Low calorie, pretty good.
-Lots of water. Obv.
-Whole Wheat Eggo Waffles. Great snack. Filling and delicious. Only 80 calories per.
The idea is to consume 1800-2000 calories per day. Six meals a day. 350-400 for the main meals, 200-300 for the three snacks.

Goals

This is a list of fitness related things that I would like to happen within my lifetime.

• 220 pounds. I think this would be my ideal weight. According to the BMI it’s still overweight for my height, but I disagree.
• Size 36 (34?) waist pants. (currently 48)
• Size Large T-shirt. (currently XXXL… depressing.)
• 7 minute mile. (currently 11:44)
• Go a full year and stay within 10 pounds of 220.
• Run Jog a marathon. I’m 1/13th of the way there.
• Complete a pull-up. Haven’t ever done one. Couldn’t do one in 7th grade football, can’t do one today.
• Maintain a healthy lifestyle / dietary style.
• Convert myself to water-only for the most part.
• Touch the rim of a 10-foot basketball goal.
• Walk through a shopping mall and notice girls checking me out.
• Be competitive in some sort of triathlon or adventure race of some sort.
• Do 100 pushups without stopping. (currently 13)
• Swim fast. (I don’t know how to measure this, but today I did 50 meters in 49 seconds)
• Don’t die early. (currently on pace to die early)

So there is it is. And the ultimate goal is to maintain all of these and not just get there and quit. This is a change of life, not a temporary thing.

Yeah, this just happened. Free days are bittersweet. It’s like anything else; the idea of it is much better than the actual thing.  Pizza is good until after you eat it, then it’s bad.  I could only manage to eat four slices, which is a big milestone because I used to eat the whole thing.

In an hour I’m going to Mayflower to work out at the high school with Jed. We’re going to be doing intense cardio work (sprints, line drills, etc…) I’m looking forward to it. Exercise is addictive.

SMOOTHIE RECIPE:
-Four frozen strawberries
-1/4 Cup pineapple tidbits
-1/4 Cup plain low fat yogurt
-1.5 Cups ice
-1 Cup water
-10 Packs Splenda
Blend and enjoy.

I think it was my dad that told me this a long time ago, and I repeated it to Heather a couple days ago, but if you think about it, you never really see fat old people. It’s scary, but true. It’s inspiring in a weird way.

Jed, Sarah Catherine, and I went to Chili’s tonight for a free day meal. Also to celebrate the two month mark of successfully doing life. This is me about to eat some french fries.
However, I think this is going to be the last free day. I’ve had about eight of them so far and I never feel good during them. I spend all day feeling sick; it’s pretty miserable. The food is good, but it’s not worth it.
I’m changing these to free meal days. Once a week I’m going to do a free meal. It will be on the 1st, 8th, 15th, and 22nd of each month. I’ll feel better and it won’t be as torturous to my body.

Foods.

Reader SK commented asking about my daily food consumptions. I typically don’t post about my food because I feel like it’s boring, but it’s probably good to record every now and again, so here you go.
Breakfasts
-2x whole wheat blueberry Eggo waffles (160 calories)
-serving of strawberry frosted mini wheats without milk (180 calories)
Lunches
-Turkey sandwich on whole wheat and Gatorade G2 (300 calories)
-Healthy chicken noodle soup with mozzarella cheese (280 calories)
-Strawberry pineapple smoothie (300 calories)
Dinner
-Lean Cuisine (lasagna, pizza, spaghetti, ravioli) 350 calories.
Snacks
I get about 3 or 4 snacks a day and each snack averages about 250 calories. It’s usually one of the above things. I also do oranges and stringed cheese.
I get anywhere from 1600-1900 calories per day. Probably a little on the lower end, I’ll be adding more calories in a month or two.

General Catching-Up

I see it has been months since I have written.  Typical for life, lots has happened since my kitty, Chilli, passed.

I finished 2 months of Boot Camp with Jeremy and Sarah at Tall Trainer.  YAY!  That rocked.  Lost 11lb and got strong for surgery.

Had my knee replaced on December 2.  I stayed in the hospital for only 7 days (exactly).  At least once a day, an attendant (nurse, aid, therapist) remarked at how young I was to be having TKR.  I assured them, there was no mistake.  I was very physically strong, which helped ease my recovery.  I was in decent pain for the first 7-8 weeks, during which time I was on narcotics.  They weren't super-helpful, but that was what I had.  I did physical therapy at FFTH three times a week for the first 2 months, then twice a week for the 3rd month, then I stopped with formal PT.  Those folks were really good to me, made me cry only once, and gave me good goals to strive for.  I have continued the conditioning and working out daily here - with walking workouts, elliptical, stationary bike, and rowing machine.  I became fond of NCIS... too fond probably, because now it is my favorite show to the exclusion of other helpful things like cleaning & chores!  I came back to work one day a week at... day 15 I think.  Twice a week by mid-January, then full time by the week of Valentines Day.  It was a WONDERFUL day when I was doing steps at PT, and realized the sound-effects and the pain WEREN'T THERE!!  No crunching.  No horrible bone-on-bone agony.  I think besides the pain, one of the most extraordinary things I discovered was, how TIRED I was, and how my brain wasn't up to speed.  I realize now it's a factor of how tired I was/am.  The more good rest I get, the better that ol' brain works.  I was reduced to one-thing-at-a-time, which isn't always practical in this life.  But I like it and I strive for it even now that I am improving.  I actually was concerned enough to have a brain scan (turns out I am fine).  I realize though how important REST is, down-time, simplifying, not carrying stress around with you.

I am starting back to Boot Camp tomorrow, May 2, and am very excited!  I am striving to consistently get more sleep, and I do know how to eat properly.  When I was sore after surgery, early January when they had to do some intense scar-tissue breaking-down at therapy, I actually forced myself to over-eat, because that was the only thing that brought me comfort.  The flavor and the satiation was the only good thing I had that day.  That did let loose my eating restraint.  It will be great to work out, to know my knee is improving, to be accountable to someone I don't want to disappoint.  Funny how knowing Sarah is going to know what I ate, is more incentive to eat right than ME knowing I shouldn't eat something!  As of this morning I am up 5lb from the morning of surgery.  Someday I will feel comfortable with giving out numbers, but not right now.  It's not even that I don't have confidence that I will be successful.  Just not really ready for that now.  Someday when I feel victorious, I will. 

Bertha passed away last weekend, Saturday, April 23 at 7:15AM.  She hadn't been right for about one day.  I don't actually know what happened to cause her to lose her life, but she just drifted off and I found her when she was nearly passed.  We zipped off to the hospital so I could put her to sleep, but she had passed on the trip in.  I cannot thank her enough for being the one in control of her passing.  That was a difficult decision for me to make for Chilli last fall, and those kittens... they are like kids to me.  I don't want to be the one, even though... that is usually the way of it.

I adopted a new cat in January; Harry's daughter Cleo.  She is a Pipsqueak, so most of the time I call her Pippy.  She is a live wire.  She LOVES her Daddy, and he her.  She's not quite tame yet...she's a bit catch-me-not.  But she likes me and we're working on the taming thing.