Losing a Cat

My cat, Chilli, is sick. Chilli of email-address chilli. Chilli who looked like a frozen chinchilla when I first knew her as a 1-pound, 7-week old flea-infested abandoned frozen kitten at Cornell Vet School. My very first personally-owned cat. First cat I spayed as a vet student. It is hard watching her be ill. She has hyperthyroidism and kidney disease. The disease, and her reluctance to let me treat her regularly, have made her thin. That's hard to see because she's always been "fleshy." Her coat is shaggy because she doesn't allow me to groom her real regularly. She looks at me and meows every now and again, like she's a little desperate. I know she can't feel that great; her heart is pounding and she is weak because her muscles are small. Sometimes she can't make it when she tries to jump on the bed. Then I apparently scare her when I try to help her.

So I tell people that I'm "coming to terms" with her "committing suicide," because I can't force her to let me help her. But I feel a little helpless, and no I don't want her to suffer of course not, but I don't think it's time. Just recently she's showing interest in canned food, and seems to be getting her thyroid medicine if I grind it up and put it on top. So maybe there is hope for her. It's not easy.

Summer Project

I have decided to put myself through a summertime improvement course on how to deal with people (including myself). There's no good summer TV, and I've already got lots of material to use (several semesters' worth). Seems there's a bit too much saying out loud what I'm thinking, and as much as I appreciate my own opinion =-) that's not always appropriate.

One Big Lesson: Learn to keep my mouth shut and thoughts to myself. NO ONE is as fascinated with them as you are.

READING LIST so far:

• Norman Vincent Peale: Positive Thinking Every Day
• Robert Bramson: Coping With Difficult People
• Viktor Frankl: Man's Search for Meaning
• Robert Cialdini: Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion
• Dale Carnegie: How to Win Friends and Influence People
• Dale Carnegie: How to Stop Worrying and Start Living
• Dale Carnegie: How to Enjoy Your Life and Your Job
• Cesar Milan: Be the Pack Leader
• W. Timothy Gallwey: The Inner Game of Tennis
• Brinkman & Kirschner: Dealing With People You Can't Stand
• Beverly Engel: The Power of Apology
• Beverly Engel: Healing Your Emotional Self
• Joyce Meyer: Peace
  

CONCRETE CHANGES:

• Start each day by affirming peaceful, contented & happy attitudes, and your days will tend to be pleasant and successful. NVP, Jan. 24
• First thing every morning before you arise, say out loud, "I believe" three times. NVP, Jan. 26
• Act the way you need to be. NVP, Jan. 27
• Quick analysis of the situation... what would help most? Behaving pissy and petty? Acting positive and supportive? ACT THAT WAY!
• Practice Word Therapy. Say the powerful, mind-healing words over to yourself every day. Let them recondition your stressful attitudes. NVP, Jan. 29
• At least 10 times every day, affirm, "I expect the best and with God's help will attain the best." NVP, Apr. 5
• God's peace deeply embedded in your mind can often have a more tranquilizing and healing effect upon nerves and tension than medicine. God's peace is itself medicinal. NVP, July 2!

I Hate People

One consistent theme in my life, one of my earliest philosophical thoughts, is I Hate People! I acknowledge that's a little sad; it's unfortunate I couldn't have been better socially-adjusted. I was painfully shy as a child, and I prefer to be by myself now. I hate being in traffic. I love living by myself. I love not having neighbors. I have a very wide personal space. I don't get people who don't get me. I am not charmed by most children (that is an attempt at a polite way to say I dislike most children). I am very defensive of my time and space. I like a big sprawling expanse to spread out in. It's likely a mark of immaturity (one of many I'm sure).

I have compassion for people as fellow human beings until they make my life or some aspect of it unhappy. Then I want them OUT of my life because:

• You cannot change people.
• People don't want to change, nor should they have to... just get away from ME.
• I do not need or want other people's misery or conflict. Have enough dealing with my own.

Why am I impatient with people? Can patience be learned? Is patience fluid?

Lately, for a very competent person, I seem to be so anxious, nervous, worried, dwelling on negatives, overwhelmed by tasks, impatient, arrogant even. Is it a case of good, old-fashioned burn-out? Will things get better? When WON'T there be conflict? Staff conflict, client conflict, family conflict. Is the fact that I am conflict-fearful the reason WHY I DWELL on conflict?? Where's my perspective? My life is exactly what I picked; why can't I be happy? It's easy to be cheerful and happy when everything's going great. Throw in a few challenges and I crumble??

I find people frustrating and want to isolate myself from them because I have lost touch with or given up on how to maneuver around them to my satisfaction. That's about me feeling like I need to be in control, or realizing I'm not. I want to AVOID problems, but what may be more effective (and less fearful) is to learn to WELCOME problems, conflicts, annoying people and situations, because I have learned methods, constructive humane Godly ways of dealing effectively with them.

There once was a time when I could get along with many people. I was a floater in HS. I did OK in the weird rabid-horseperson environment at Coby. I can communicate with horses and sometimes children, engage them, get them excited and enthusiastic about learning and cooperating. So it's not like I'm NOT capable of working around difficult people. People get comfortable with me. I can often bring out better behavior in difficult people, and don't bring out difficult behavior in people prone to it.

I want to be the kind of person who is slow to rile, but who people would recognize that they would not want to. I want to be the kind of person who inherently compels people to respect them.

Goal: Think of all the situations that I find frustrating and threatening, anxiety-producing -- staff, clients, family -- and realize there ARE ways to deal effectively with them and the conflict they bring to you. Ways that don't harm me, them, my psyche, that make me invest so much of myself and my emotions in a futile "figure-it-out!" merry-go-round game.

Perhaps the reason I keep coming back to anxiety, worry, angst, fretful thoughts, burnout, chest pressure, head exploding, ringing in my ears, is because I don't turn to God enough (with problems or with appreciation). Therefore maybe He has to keep on challenging me so eventually out of hurt and fear and desperation I will turn to Him! Maybe just get Him in your thoughts BEFORE all the angst. Worth a try!

An elderly man I know NEVER complains. He has lived a humble but meaningful life. It doesn't seem he's enjoyed a lot of material abundance. But he consistently has a cheerful, humorous word for others and while a little weary, seems unfailingly optimistic. He is a lovely man and a wonderful example.

The list of tasks to do will NEVER be done. Never. Til you're in your grave. Be wise enough to take full enjoyment from this world around you and the people in it. Consistently model your behavior after someone your parents admire or would be proud of. I have many, many blessings and it's time I started re-appreciating them!

Mentally divorced from horses

I have been thinking about this since the Honeoye 5K on May 1. At that point it had been a year since I made the decision to get the horses out of my barn. That was probably the BEST decision I could have made. It had been a long time since I was happy taking care of the horses. I can't imagine having to go thru another winter with them, even if it was only 3. I needed to spend my time and energy elsewhere. It's frustrating knowing your efforts aren't appreciated, are expected and taken for granted. Bleh. Glad I got out. Don't miss it, haven't missed a thing about it since October 3 when the barn was emptied. It was about becoming unencumbered, about lightening up in sooo many ways. Insert smiley face here, and move on!

Time to Get Caught Up

I am not super-sure how this blog works as far as dating posts... I am just going to start from the beginning and if I can alter the date to correspond with the thought, well then I will just do that.

But first, it's my 45th birthday! I have been up since 3AM, not unusual for me since I sometimes fall asleep on the couch mid-evening, then can't get back to sleep. It's not all bad; the very early morning seems to be my most productive time. Clear, focused thoughts, a list of things to do swirling in my head, the energy to do them.

Bird just flew at the sliding glass door.... Bertha, who is perched on the table in front of me, is a-raptured! Earlier, wish I'd been able to photograph Harry grooming Blossom... tough and tender; he's still a Boy but he's awfully sweet to my girls.

I can see a few wasp nests on the railing of my deck... that now goes on the list. Took a lovely photo of the valley this morning... about 49 degrees, misty and damp. Hope to post that as part of my journal of the day. Of course, no one but me and my staff knows I have the day off today Nice to have a secret! A secret day off, no requirements, no deadlines, just a "me" driven day. It's a nice indulgence. And I want it to LAST!!

I love this new computer! Can't really "imagine" having it perched on my lap (still don't have that much of a lap to accomodate it!) like you see on TV... cuz that's what I want to do is look like the folks on TV!

Seems like the last month or so was stressful. Funky stuff with clients, medically challenging and involving cases, emotionally draining persistent issues. I have written pages in my carry-with-me journal/day-book all pertaining to the topic, "I Hate People." Isn't that sad? About the time I was thinking, "I need a break cuz I'm getting burned out," Natalie asked me if I'd like some Fridays off. SOOO glad she wanted to give me this one off!

Our 7th Anniversary BAH Party is coming up! Looking forward to it. Most of the prep is done (well, on my end... will try to help Ted and Judy at their end -- my cook and my hostess!).

Love my new car. My new used car is a 2001 Subaru Forester. It is only one year newer, but has 50K less miles on it than my Jeep, and that's considered low miles. I like the color - very neutral. I love that she's paid for! She's AWD, getting about 22mpg, turns on a dime, and her name is ZIPPY! Zippy Scooter. She's fast. But I can go incognito, cuz I look like I'm driving the Mom Car. [Cop: Oh there's some mid-40's lady off to pick up the kids. Haha, no I'm not! I'm driving too fast to Wal-Mart to pick up cat food! Cuz I'm a Crazy Cat Lady who likes to drive too fast!! Fooled ya!]

OK I have some other topics to explore. Next...

My New Philosophy

At times in my life, I have found myself reacting, or over-reacting, emotionally to aggravating situations and people. No back-story needed there. I am currently dealing with a person on a regular basis who seems to (in my judgment) enjoy pushing my buttons, and who I routinely call "contrary." Seems to enjoy doing just about everything the opposite way as expected. I am pretty open to the idea that my reaction plays into it, but can't seem to stop myself from retaliating. I am trying something new. I figure, if Viktor Frankel could make it thru the Holocaust, and divorced couples can get along "better than ever" after they've simply signed a paper dissolving their marriage, I can rework my defensive responses to my benefit (and hopefully to the benefit of those around me).

My friend has a "complicated" personality. She gets along very well with people she has superficial contact with, like clients, my folks, people on the phone even if they are telemarketers. She becomes difficult the more you get to know her. She has a wonderful husband: a level-headed, calm man who was brave enough to take on her and her 2 young sons after a nasty divorce. We have witnessed her just verbally attacking, laying into, picking at her husband, enough to make you cringe. In public, in front of friends. My point is, if she can treat him that way, then I don't need to take it personally when she treats me the same way.

She has had a lot going on recently, without even delving into the growing-up years. I know that if she ever took her guard down, discussed what is bothering her, explored conflicts from her past, I would likely have nothing but heartfelt sympathy for her, and would find it no problem to show and feel a lot more forgiveness of her difficult behavior, like a difficult child. If I simply understood that it was motivated by some difficulty in her own life.

We may never get to that point - I am not a therapist and don't want to pretend to be one. What if I just assumed this were true - that her difficult behavior stemmed from some underlying difficulty? Could it hurt to assume that, and respond compassionately to her when she is being difficult?

It then boils down to ME having the opportunity to adjust my own response (the only thing I can really control anyway, right?) into a more loving, sympathetic, compassionate, comforting, nurturing, gracious, patient human being. That's really the person I want to be anyway. And I think that is how my friend Jesus might respond -- lovingly, compassionately. I think that approach can heal and calm, more than me responding defensively, in a tart, sarcastic way.

I have always wondered, Why did God bring this person into my life? I knew there was some difficulty He wanted me to understand better. Maybe I need to view her difficult behavior as a signal of some conflict within her, that has nothing to do with me, then I don't have to take it PERSONALLY and I can view her with a more loving heart. It can't hurt, right?

Then I can use this approach on other difficult people in my life - like clients for instance. It wouldn't hurt me to let client conflicts roll off my back. Pretend that every difficult person probably has some underlying issue that they are dealing with, that in reality has nothing to do with you... so let it GO!!! Use your God-given emotional energy toward compassion and sympathy for a fellow human being, rather than retaliation and defense. Give it a try.

New Years Ramblings

(from a letter to a friend, acknowledging how I think I may be spoiled because my lifestyle suits me so well):
Homebody thru-and-thru. I think it's a blessing to be content at home! And since I haven't had horses in my back yard, I feel like a princess, spoiled probably because my life is so good, like I have a real life back. Like if I can literally make a cup of tea and read a book, cover up with a blanket and maybe a cat lights nearby, woo-hoo, that's all I really need to be happy! Maybe it's pathetic that that's enough. But deep-down I don't think it's pathetic.