Chilli is gone

The time came, and Chilli is gone.  I struggled with this.  I didn't want to give up on her, yet I knew she had 2 serious diseases that would eventually make her life of poor quality.  Kept hoping for "a sign."  I knew this would be best to take care of before my surgery next month.  Having her go 2 weeks without fluids, maybe not getting her pills, then coming home to her, myself a cripple and less capable of caring for her, well that didn't sound right.  For her or for me.  I prayed that she simply be comfortable, and I prayed that I would have the strength to take good care of her.  I showed her to Becky, and even Becky thought she looked poor.  Becky put it in the most relevant terms: "Cathy, what would you tell ME if it were MY cat?"  I knew then (Wed. Oct. 27) that I would take care of it very soon.  Went out to dinner with Sherry and Kathy, and they gave me their best take on it.  Sherry was concerned I would be by myself.  She thought I could ask Natalie to do the deed.  I assured her if I thought I needed company I could call my Dad.

My struggle was with feeling like I'd let her down.  Not sure why, because I honestly think I did everything I could for her.  And I would NOT want her to suffer.  I'm not so selfish that I didn't want to be without her so I couldn't let her go.  Then the next morning, when I knew that would be the day, I became verklempt, a little emotionally overwhelmed with it all.  Jeremy at Tall Trainer was very kind to me, but I felt a wee-little ridiculous crying into my hands on my steering wheel, about the death of my cat when clearly it was the right decision.  I realized, in the role of veterinarian, I would never think less of a client for crying like a baby about their pet, or second-guessing themselves about their decision.  Just goes to prove, it IS different when you're emotionally involved.

Thursday Oct. 28I took the materials home that I would need, said a prayer that she allow me to do this, and she walked right up to me when I came  thru the door.  It was quite peaceful, no stress, and I felt right about it, as good as I could feel.  It may have been 14 years to the day that I met her little frozen form on Small Animal Medicine at Cornell.  How completely ironic.

Every person who has loved a pet, and who needs to make this decision about their pet, deserves to be as comfortable with the process as possible.  Even if they let the animal go too long.  I tell people, Oh you'll know when the time is right.  Not always, I am learning.