Good article on "Control..."

control-freak article

I haven't written in almost a month.  I went thru a period of depression after I was not successful at the Summer Challenge.  I felt like I was a sure thing, and apparently not.  It felt almost embarrassing to have put myself all out there and shared some deep personal stuff only to be rejected.  And truthfully I felt the vote might have been rigged, because I lost by 9 votes.  Nine votes to a woman who has 50% of my FB friends and is at least 10yrs older than me so how much electronic resources could she have??  So when I lost I had thoughts like, Jeremy and Sarah knew I was their "sure thing;" I was not a newbie who needed to be reeled in for long term.  I had told them over and over that I was coming every month regardless of the Challenge.  SO why not throw the vote so the other gal would stay.  I have no proof of that, just my suspicion.  Maybe my rationalization.  It hurt my outlook.  Made me question their integrity.  Made my enthusiasm ebb.  Jeremy noticed it because he pulled me aside one day and mentioned my weight loss numbers had stalled.  I felt a little angry at him still, but the only thing I explained was, I had won the competition in my head and was disappointed.  I also don't trust their scale.  It hardly ever corresponds with mine.  I don't even look at it their numbers anymore.  It's hard not to feel a little like a failure when the emphasis is on the weight loss numbers.  It makes me fail to appreciate the 75 pounds I've already lost, and that concept is clearly wrong.  My weight does NOT melt off.  The most dramatic weight loss I've ever experienced was due to illness: when I lost 8lb that week in March 2009 when I had severe diarrhea, and the 9lb I lost in the 7-10 days after my surgery.  The rest is a struggle, and it's important for me to NOT overlook how great it's been to lose it and keep it off.  It's not beneficial for me to compare myself to Marianne whose weight loss is consistent and large.  Or Donna who is 1/2 my size and lost more weight than I did this month.  I wish I was wiser and could look at my life more objectively.

Weight loss, as it turns out, is more complicated than calories in < calories out.  It's about all the nutrients, your hormones, your state of rest or exhaustion.  There is an element of the unknown, or the mysterious, the magical, that doesn't make mathematical or metabolic sense.  One can lose weight in spite of caloric excess, and gain weight in the face of a caloric deficit.  Consistently.  It is about being realistic and honest, but it's more than that.  And it's frustrating when the work doesn't appear to pay off.  But it's about more than whining too...... My big strong muscles weigh more than my flabby fat.  I am much fitter now than I have been in years.  That's important too.

The Guilt of Saying No

OK Dad just called, invited me to their house for dinner.  Steak and shrimp cocktail.  I DECLINED!  And yes, I "feel" guilty and stressed.  But what would I have felt like if I allowed that guilt to persuade me to go even though I don't want to for nutrition reasons?  I had 5 extravagant meals this week (birthday with friends and family, CE meeting, BAH Party), and although I exercised regularly, I am UP on the scale.  So for ME I can't keep eating like that even though...

• it's a holiday and
  
• my folks invited me.

I'm not Italian, I'm not Jewish, I'm not Catholic, but I guess I was raised that that was family bonding behavior and there's a certain amount of GUILT associated with not conforming.  Since I've confronted my own obesity, I am forced to rethink it.  Maybe my parents are scared that we won't have anything to bond us, if we aren't belly-up to the table.  I mean, we're not smoking pot together.  We don't drink together, not like some hillbilly family from the back-woods huddled around a keg of beer or a bottle of whiskey, which is also behavior that's no good for you.  We just eat too darn much when we get together, have done so for years (oh, 46yrs that I am aware of) and today I had the courage to say no.  It's stressful!!!!

I guess I'll find out how supportive of ME they are even though I declined their dinner invite.  Isn't it pathetic that I think they'll be mad at me because I didn't want to eat their food?  Weird family dynamics.  I probably need to see a shrink. 

I could, just maybe, be over-analyzing... or something good might come of it, like they realize people related to them have had to re-prioritize, and this IS the new me.  And maybe they look at their own situation!  (Or, they've stopped thinking about it the moment the phone hung up!!!)

"Feel Good Tracker:" Cool Concept!!

How about this: feel-good-tracker
I don't have anything in my possession with an i prefix, but the concept is glorious. 

• Record and rate the activities that make you feel good with the intuitive Feel Good Tracker!  Everyone knows that doing activities you love can contribute to a happy and healthy lifestyle, but the busy pace of modern times can sometimes make you forget the way your positive choices made you feel. Instead of allowing the stresses of daily life to overshadow your well-being, record the activities that make you feel good with the intuitive Feel Good Tracker. This unique application includes an easy-to-use activity log and star rating system to help you focus on the positive activities in your daily life and inspire you to take control of your own happiness. Use the photo option to capture your most memorable activities and e-mail your entries to friends and family with the touch of a button to help others realize the importance of feeling good. Unlike applications filled with confusing buttons and flashy menus, the Feel Good Tracker offers a simple and modern alternative to traditional journals that users of any age and ability will enjoy. Use it to motivate yourself to reach a goal, record your efforts towards better physical and mental health, or just plain feel better every day. Whether you like to play chess or run marathons, the Feel Good Tracker is the perfect way to remember your favorite activities and discover what truly makes you happy. The Feel Good Tracker is available on the iPhone, iPod touch, and iPad.

Again, all the i stuff, but what a thing to focus on - what makes you feel good.  I think by paying attention to that, whether you somehow tell your computer or phone or pad about it or you write it in your (underutilized) prayer journal or appreciation journal, (check, and check), your life quality HAS to improve!!

T-Shirt news...

Well this is a big deal to ME... I worked out this morning in a size XL t-shirt that I got at the CF walk last fall!  Woo-HOO!  Now I know not all t-shirts are sized the same, but I also can fit into my Boot Camp Survivor t-shirt!  Which I plan to wear to our final Friday weigh-in for July!  And it'll fit even better then.  At that point I should be able to fit into my Race for the Vase t-shirt!

No BC this week, a week off and to myself.  Somewhat at loose ends, so I worked out with Leslie this AM and hit my Activity Goal, and walked 50% of my steps. 

Summer Challenge Update

Friday, June 24 was the final June weigh-in at BC, and I lost 12lb since the final Friday weigh-in of May!!  TWELVE POUNDS!  This rocks, however it wasn't good enough to keep me in the top 2 of the Summer Weight Loss Challenge at Boot Camp.  My classmate Katie was in 5th place and is out of the competition.  She is really sweet and very enthusiastic.  We will miss her if she can't make it back.  I am in a vote-off with Linda, for my place next month.  Cross fingers!  It took some guts to put myself out there online and ask for help, and feel "exposed."  People can do the math, people might know how much I weigh!  Gasp.  But, I did it and I hope I succeed.

Jeremy and Sarah seemed genuinely impressed with my weight loss.  They said they knew if they included a current Boot-Camper, that person would be at a definite dis-advantage, because it's harder to lose weight the further into your journey you go.  They feel the weight loss will even out with the other participants who are just starting out and have lots of soft fat & water etc.  I feel like I see a waist emerging, yay!

Sleep is still a challenge for me.  I resolve not to park in my recliner in front of NCIS reruns, but... sometimes I do.  Sometimes I go to bed on a sleep aid, and I theorize I feel groggy the next day for it. 

I need to get back with God... I don't turn to Him much, except of course when I need something.  Need to get my Prayer Journal off the shelf and also my Appreciation Journal.  Life really is good no matter what.  Sometimes we focus on the hard negative things.

Thought I had the other day, after returning home from my End-of-First-Month Meeting with J&S: You can HAVE the impulses to make poor (food) choices; just don't ACT on them!!  Applicable of course to many things in life...

I can't believe I had this thought: I need larger produce bins in my refrigerator!  And who would have imagined ME buying 8 bags of frozen broccoli??  But that's the way, Cath.  I weighed in this morning lighter than that bathroom scale has EVER seen me: 242.8.  Lighter than after surgery.  My goal thru July 4 is to get below 240, on my scale, repeated if I need to prove it!  I HAVE LOST 70LB!!

Yikes listen to this: I have five special dinners this week!

1. Monday PM: Birthday dinner with Sherry & Kathy... I am trying to be gracious.  Don't "feel like" going.  Don't "feel like" hanging out with them for any dinner, any time.
2. Tues., M&D are taking me out for B-day dinner.  They won't say where, but I will do the best I can.  Maybe I am there to be an example to them, because I don't believe they would try to sabotage my weight loss efforts.  We just always ALWAYS eat a day's calories when we eat together.  I can be strong, and eat right for me, and enjoy the meal.
3. Wed. or Fri., Becky and I are getting together for my B-day.  Either at my house Wed., or maybe we'll meet somewhere Fri. for dinner.
4. Thurs: Natalie and I are having dinner at a restaurant in Rochester for a CE meeting.  Better find out if they have an online menu, although... I doubt they will be serving us off a menu.
5. Sat: July 2, my 46th birthday, we are having our BAH 8th Anniversary Party.  I've begged Ted not to get ribs... not to go overboard.

Time to get to bed.  No BC this week -- off for the week.  I will get my exercise in though!  I lost weight before BC and I will continue to lose weight.  I have a goal for July, to lose 12lb.

Father's Day and my Dream Coach

I'm off to M&D's pretty soon, with a quick stop to the grocery store to pick up breakfast.  Things have been going well in BC.  Last week had a few days of loss recorded; week before, FOUR STRAIGHT DAYS!!  Sarah and Jeremy have possibly been giving me clues that I'm doing OK in the Summer Challenge.  I am prone to over-interpretation, however.

I made a wrap yesterday that is VERY satisfying, curbs hunger a LONG time, and is moderate in calories and sodium.  Think I'm going to try them for lunch this week.  It's one Flat-Out Lite wrap, one can of tuna, mustard, spinach, and chopped celery and onion.  Probably ought to go easy on the onion, eating these at work, but there's nothing quite like brushing your teeth after lunch.  I can chop all my veggies, even mix the mustard ahead of time, then throw things together at work.  YUM. 

I spoke with Jeremy's mom, Jacqui, last Monday, as part of the Summer Challenge.  She is a life coach, I think, and I was honestly a little skeptical about what she could offer, but... we got together on the phone for 30min.  She suggested I make a Vision Board, which is a poster displaying pictures, personal or from a magazine or the Internet, that resonate with me on a feeling level, that make tangible what I want my life to look like, and where I want to be/what I want to look like in, say, 5 yrs.  Create an image, as specific as possible, of what I want life to be for me.  I did this, and it was fun!  I included pics of when I was riding horses a generation ago, as that was the time in my life when I was fittest and slimmest.  The words that I jotted down, to guide the theme while I was brainstorming, were MUSCULAR, TRIM, FIT, ATHLETIC, CAPABLE, SMILING, SWEATY, & SPORTY.  I zipped thru one of my magazines and picked some images that appealed to me, some phrases that I found supportive and encouraging.  I also included a before and after of Ben Davis Ben Does Life.  When you look at it on a daily basis, and enjoy looking at it, it reminds me who I am (and where I'm going on this journey), and encourages me to have a new mindset --> that's how I become who I need to be.  She said obese people need to change our "inner speak" and get our thoughts in line with what we want in life and within ourselves.  She said the obesity problem is mental.  It takes awhile for the mental stuff to catch on, but I need to offer myself a new inner dialogue, new song in the background, NOW, so I can align myself with thoughts of where I see myself in 5yrs.  Picture yourself at your healthy weight, so that when it happens, it's not a concept that's foreign to yourself; THIS IS ME!  She said that's how people often sabotage themselves in their weight control journey.  They have a good goal but they don't get there (or they don't stay there), because mentally they haven't accepted and embraced the new vision of their identity and it doesn't fit what they've previously learned.  So the vision board helps us to learn a new identity so we can accept it when it becomes a physical reality.

I pondered why people allow themselves to become morbidly obese.  Jacqui said we devalue ourselves; somewhere along the line we believed and internalized the notion that we weren't worth the time, effort, expense; that we weren't valuable.  It's important to try to determine why you would devalue yourself; why would you have learned or accepted that concept?  If there is no rational truth to the idea, probably time to let it go and replace it with a more positive self-concept.

Jacqui recommended I make a list of my positive attributes.  We do often tell ourselves negative things; we KNOW it's not true but our mind still latches onto the thought.  (Sometimes it's easier to believe the negative ideas.)  When you catch yourself in a moment of negative self-talk, you can refer to this list and remind yourself of your own positive attributes, and fight back with it.  List specific instances of when the positive things occurred, not generalities.  This is empowering, and gives us confidence.  We are more than our physical bodies.

People with unappealing physical bodies become invisible to the rest of the world.  (Sometimes we want to be invisible; probably linked to the concept of being worthless or unvaluable.)  When you have worked on your attributes to make yourself comfortable with the new you, you can stop sabotaging yourself when you are no longer invisible.

Jacqui said it is human nature to take things upon yourself to explain difficult or uncomfortable situations to yourself.  We protect ourselves and make up beliefs and hang onto them our whole lives, as a method of controlling the weird world around us.  These are limiting beliefs.  When we are "recovering" from obesity, we begin to incorporate a new belief to substantiate ourselves.  Who I am NOW.  I am an adult and I don't still need to believe what I believed as a naive child with an incomplete understanding of the world around me.  I also read in "Shrink Yourself" that we are regularly prone to misunderstand the meanings of situations around us, and often take on meanings that have nothing to do with ourselves.  In essence we regularly misunderstand the events around us as things we can or should control.  But we can learn to analyze better and let go of the things we really have no control over, that may negatively impact our self-talk.