Tough Winter

I've been meaning to write for so long.  Month or more.  It's been a tough winter.  Sad, frustrating, stressful.  I believe I may be depressed, like clinically depressed.  Seem to be focusing on disappointments and frustrations and stress, rather on the meaningful blessings that are there also.

I'm gaining weight.  Up 20lb from my 100lb loss a year ago.  I haven't been at all careful (or minimally so) with my eating, and I haven't been exercising.  I could exercise more.  The shoulder surgery hasn't stopped me from walking, or bicycling, or modifying workout tapes.  I just haven't been doing it.  I'm depressed to be losing my condition, to feel my waist and my thighs and my boobs and my chin expanding.  To know my clothes aren't fitting.  My exercise bra isn't loose anymore.  I can't breathe well bent-over.  My pulse and blood pressure are up.  It's a sad downward spiral.  The sadder I get, the less motivation to change I can muster.  I feel jealousy toward people like my cousin Katherine Rose, who's lost over 100lb and looks GREAT.  And this blogger I'm following, Roni Noone.  They're pretty, and successful and look great.  And that's not me anymore.  I look at Ben Davis, who's gained a bunch of his 120lbs back (probably 50%) and I feel embarrassed for him, piteous, like I'm better than him.  He's pretending it's not happening in full view of everyone who watches, and it's really obvious he is backsliding.  Shoulder recovery will prevent me from using the shoulder til probably 6mo post-op.  Mentally this makes me feel sluggish.

I made a whole list of ways I'd felt disappointed, because I seem to dwell on these thoughts.  I don't let those things go easily or gracefully.  I have struggled with this for years, and while I have prayed about it, I have not really turned it over to God.  I seem to have a problem with the need for acknowledgement, appreciation, and for the lack of forgiveness when I feel hurt by people.  I'd be happy for this NOT to be my problem anymore.  Although my wisdom is not vast enough to know how this will work out, I trust God and have faith in HIS powers enough to know HE will work this out.  Keep trusting God, praying for His guidance, for the balm of His love to cover my hurts even if they are invisible hurts --> hurt feelings.  I pray for the wisdom also to know when it's the right thing to do, to COMMUNICATE to the person you believed hurt you.  We are very adept at hurting each other, sometimes without knowing it, or knowing the depths (and sometimes without caring). 

Here are my hurts.  I know they ARE turned over to God.  Whatever He wants to do with them, He can take it from here. 

1. My sister Laurie and I are estranged, since 9/10/01, and I am unwilling to let her be a part of my life.
2. Kathy Johnson and Sherry Tice hurt me in May 2009 when I asked for time off to take a vacation and they reacted as if I was not entitled to the time off.
3. Millie Sackett's rude insensitive conduct at church Sept. 2012, with regard to mom and my donation for the roof project. I chose to separate myself from AHUMC after that.
4. Sarah Biernat never acknowledged my baby gift until I asked her if she'd received it, 4 months later, then she casually remarked she'd received it and used it (gift certificate).  Didn't really thank me for it, and never wrote a proper thank you note.
5. The Boot camp group was not in touch with me after my shoulder surgery.  Deb Snyder independently reached out to me repeatedly, for which I am grateful.  I clearly expected more during my time of need.
6. Then I got in a sparring match with Jeremy, because I assumed his motives for reaching out to me 4 months later were because he valued me as a commodity not as a person.  I vented my spleen, he accused me of not forgiving (bingo), he apologized, I apologized, I just wanted him to know it hurt and that I expected more.
7. Judy says I make too big a deal over my surgeries, even rolling her eyes and mocking me when I showed her some of my shoulder progress.  She feels I am not capable of handling that this is how I come across.
8. Becky has not kept in touch with me, not really much since her daughter Samantha's graduation party in June.  When she's unhappy, she usually falls off the radar.  Hard to say, since she's not in touch.

On more positive note, my shoulder recovery is coming very well!  Dr. Grimm and my therapists say I am ahead of what they expected.  Still slow, but... It is what it is!  My mom is happy and content.  We got thru the first year of Dad's passing.  She is in FL with Molly.  She is enjoying the place she bought, getting her own touches on it.  Melanie has been very supportive, a very good friend.  I am re-committing to weighing myself and cleaning up my diet.  I started eating paleo, and have done nothing but gain weight.  I haven't finished the book, and haven't been exercising.  More later.

On Virtues

Sometimes, when you wake up at 3AM with a full bladder, and are rude enough to disturb the cat resting on your legs to get to the bathroom, you can't get back to sleep.  And sometimes, the muses in your mind organize things so that you have some thoughts that make sense and you need to record them.  These are those thoughts.

This morning, around 4:40am, the concepts of Patience and Truth became clear as worthy of striving toward.  Honesty also, but honesty sometimes is best when tempered with Patience.  Honesty and Truth are nuances of the same virtue.  Then Wisdom crept back in, as I read the 8th Proverb. 

As a New Year's Resolution, then, I shall keep the virtues of Patience and Truth in mind as a framework around which my life or my behavior at least should be woven.

Vickey Campbell sent me a most delightful Christmas card, that I kept because it is a profound reminder of beauty and wisdom:

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things.  Philippians 4:8 (NIV)

This concept jumped at me from morning Proverb, this 8th day of the month:

In Praise of Wisdom: Are you immature?  Learn to be mature.  Are you foolish?  Learn to have sense.  Proverbs 8:5 (Good News Translation)

Winter sun

I am really enjoying this winter sun streaming thru my window this morning. Makes me smile, nice to feel the warmth.

Progress report

It's been 12 days since surgery, and I am pleased.  I think that's important! 

1. Discovered the beauty of flossing your teeth one-handed with the flosser gadget everyone recommended when I requested help to floss my teeth (on FB of course... jokingly!).  My new long-term favorite gadget and hygiene accessory!
2. Saw Aaron at the post-op visit last Friday the 23rd.  He was pleased with my progress.  
1. He removed my sutured, and felt I was a fast healer!  
2. He was amazed at my lack of pain; he said patients regularly come in with expressions of stress and pain readable on their faces, saying they HATE them!  I am taking my pain meds regularly, but only about 3 a day.  I wonder if the pre-op AP helped?  
3. Aaron's plan for me is increase range of motion passively over the next 6-7 weeks, until my next PR with Dr. Grimm.  My notes indicate it will be 12 weeks before strength training with a therapist.  Six months before they release me to do anything I want.
4. Mom and I may have misunderstood the extent of the surgery.  Dr. Grimm told us he didn't have to do extensive bone surgery, and we interpreted that to mean, simply repaired the rotator tendon.  He meant he didn't do all the bone remodeling that Kevin proposed when he suggested surgery back in June.  He DID clean up arthritis, and it WAS major surgery, one of the more extensive repairs they've done.  Major disease in the joint.  Quite inflamed, lots of frayed tendons waving in the synovial fluid.  They drill a hole and implant an anchor that will eventually dissolve.  Attach 4 large-diameter sutures to the anchor and to the tendon.  He said I need to go very slowly and carefully, in order not to risk the tendon attachment.
3. I worked out with Leslie this morning, then called Dish to help me get the recycled TV in the basement to work.  Then I bicycled and did the elliptical for another 15min before making a healthy breakfast.

I am pretty late to work, but am on my way.  After I floss my teeth!

I am blessed

It's three days post rotator cuff surgery, and all I can think is how blessed I am. The sun is pouring through my window, I'm enjoying the warmth. I'm reading a good book, I have my cat friends circling around me and making me giggle. I've had a shower and several bowel movements, so what more could I ask for hee hee. My discomfort is being managed acceptably with pain meds. I live in a lovely home that's comfortable and suits me well. Christmas music fills the air. Tea flavored with eggnog… Homemade minestrone soup from my dear friend Melanie… Feel like I've got it all. Nothing on my schedule, except get better. And that I feel like I'm doing.

On my way to Surgery

In about 1 hour, I will be on my way to FFTH for left rotator cuff surgery.  This is the shoulder I injured in June 2000, when Dad was in the ICU at FFTH with pneumonia and dyspnea; Sarah had come in with a broken tooth; we were expecting Jessi to deliver almost any day.  I was on the phone setting up an appointment for Sarah with GVEC, lifting a water bucket for Jessi's big birthing stall, and my rotator cuff snapped.  Never did anything about it then, just tried to ignore it.  It was painful and immobile for 6 years, then John pretty much fixed it with massage, at Thanksgiving of 2006.  It was fine until last fall, prior to Thanksgiving, and I aggravated it at Boot Camp lifting weights.  I did as much massage with John as I could, when they were here for Thanksgiving.  I hoped having Mary Johnson work on it would help.  The pain persisted, and I saw Kevin at COA in June.  He suspected the rotator cuff, ordered up some tests, discovered a full thickness tear of the anterior fibers of the supraspinatus with 2cm retraction, a partial thickness articular surface tear of the subscapularis and plenty of arthritis.  He gave me a steroid injection and advised me I needed surgery.  I scheduled it, then repeatedly heard glowing recommendations of Dr. David Grimm, "the shoulder guy."  I saw HIM in October, and he confirmed we needed surgery, but he did not feel it would have to be as drastic as what Kevin forecast.  I have to be at the hospital at 11AM.

I've tried to take a more assured approach, not giving vent to every thought or moment of anxiety or anticipation.  I am in good hands, with God, my surgeon, my post-op team and myself!  I've been working out forever, I feel strong, I'm only about 2lb heavier than when I left Jeremy's 2.5 weeks ago, though I feel much softer!  Everything will work out for the best.  Always does.

As I was showering this morning, I had the sense that this was the last time things would be "the same" for a long time.  I recognize this sense of change from the time before and after my knee replacement.  I highly anticipated the procedure, though I had no idea what was to come.  As prepared as I attempted to be, truly I had no idea what life would be like.  Everything would be different, for a long time.  Getting up and down, in and out of the shower or the car, putting my clothing on and taking it off, being a veterinarian.  I will learn to adjust to a new kind of pain, the restriction on my activity.  For a solid 3 months, I hurt.  I could not see pat that, how could I for the pain had become my new normal.  I had no experience, had never walked down that road so I really didn't comprehend I would get better!  Things would eventually improve, beyond my absolute wildest imagination.  I had gone from 20+ years of constant life-changing pain and instability, to pain with improved stability, to no pain and 100% return of use of this major joint!!  I could not get over how drastically my life had improved!  So here I sit in similar circumstances, not knowing what will be next, and only mildly uneasy with that.  Everything will work out for the best.  Always does.

Wisdom from Yesterday's Proverb

Yesterday, the 13th, I enjoyed a verse from the Proverb very much.  This is it:

Proverbs 13:3: Those who control their tongue will have a long life; a quick retort can ruin everything. (NLT)

I just knew I needed to read this verse!