Monday, April 19, 2010

My New Philosophy

At times in my life, I have found myself reacting, or over-reacting, emotionally to aggravating situations and people. No back-story needed there. I am currently dealing with a person on a regular basis who seems to (in my judgment) enjoy pushing my buttons, and who I routinely call "contrary." Seems to enjoy doing just about everything the opposite way as expected. I am pretty open to the idea that my reaction plays into it, but can't seem to stop myself from retaliating. I am trying something new. I figure, if Viktor Frankel could make it thru the Holocaust, and divorced couples can get along "better than ever" after they've simply signed a paper dissolving their marriage, I can rework my defensive responses to my benefit (and hopefully to the benefit of those around me).

My friend has a "complicated" personality. She gets along very well with people she has superficial contact with, like clients, my folks, people on the phone even if they are telemarketers. She becomes difficult the more you get to know her. She has a wonderful husband: a level-headed, calm man who was brave enough to take on her and her 2 young sons after a nasty divorce. We have witnessed her just verbally attacking, laying into, picking at her husband, enough to make you cringe. In public, in front of friends. My point is, if she can treat him that way, then I don't need to take it personally when she treats me the same way.

She has had a lot going on recently, without even delving into the growing-up years. I know that if she ever took her guard down, discussed what is bothering her, explored conflicts from her past, I would likely have nothing but heartfelt sympathy for her, and would find it no problem to show and feel a lot more forgiveness of her difficult behavior, like a difficult child. If I simply understood that it was motivated by some difficulty in her own life.

We may never get to that point - I am not a therapist and don't want to pretend to be one. What if I just assumed this were true - that her difficult behavior stemmed from some underlying difficulty? Could it hurt to assume that, and respond compassionately to her when she is being difficult?

It then boils down to ME having the opportunity to adjust my own response (the only thing I can really control anyway, right?) into a more loving, sympathetic, compassionate, comforting, nurturing, gracious, patient human being. That's really the person I want to be anyway. And I think that is how my friend Jesus might respond -- lovingly, compassionately. I think that approach can heal and calm, more than me responding defensively, in a tart, sarcastic way.

I have always wondered, Why did God bring this person into my life? I knew there was some difficulty He wanted me to understand better. Maybe I need to view her difficult behavior as a signal of some conflict within her, that has nothing to do with me, then I don't have to take it PERSONALLY and I can view her with a more loving heart. It can't hurt, right?

Then I can use this approach on other difficult people in my life - like clients for instance. It wouldn't hurt me to let client conflicts roll off my back. Pretend that every difficult person probably has some underlying issue that they are dealing with, that in reality has nothing to do with you... so let it GO!!! Use your God-given emotional energy toward compassion and sympathy for a fellow human being, rather than retaliation and defense. Give it a try.